Every time I do an interview about my career, the main questions I get asked are how did I get to work with professional athletes for so long, what is my best advice for people who want the job I have, and do I have any regrets
Typically I do not believe in regrets, I believe I have a purpose to fulfill and the journey has ups and down of learning, creating,discovering, disappointment, and great highs.
All are meant to listen and learn from to grow and achieve from. You cannot appreciate or even conceive of a high or an accomplishment unless you have felt the lows. Many of you already know about my childhood, which was wrought with unspeakable sexual abuse from the time I was 3 to about 11 or 12, yes I do remember vividly being three and being abused. Many have asked well don’t you regret that having happened?
The truth is of course I wish it did not happen but regret would not be the correct feeling, I know now that that experience has made me tough as nails, aware of my surroundings, developed peak finely tuned intuition and most of all fiercely protective of my family and the people I love. Sometimes I feel like I am a veteran of life, not as a service person in the military , but of life..
The bad from it is I have a very difficult time trusting people and letting them in. BUT regret. No!
I would take that bullet everyday in order to ensure my sons would never feel that pain.
So the question still remains, do I have any regrets?
The answer is yes!! After reading thinking long and hard I honestly can say that body image and appreciation of my body has always plagued me, perhaps it started because of my abuse, but certainly was perpetuated by my years as a dancer.
I distinctly remember making my illustrious high school dance company at the earliest you could make it, eighth grade a mere 13 years old. I was naturally thin, ate and ate and stayed thin as a rail. I was so skinny that. When designer jeans debuted I couldn’t find a pair of Jordache small enough to fit me, but I desperately wanted them. My mom bought them for me, I was one of the first to have them, however I had to wear a pair of my old jeans under them just so they would stay on!!! Can you imagine!?
When dance started I was 5’6″ and 90 pounds. We had weekly weigh ins by my dance leader, Mrs. Koop, a militant, hard ass teacher who taught me a lot, good and bad. We weighed in in pairs my weigh in buddy was probably skinnier than me, I remember weighing in and hearing these words…
“90 pounds, it’s good but you still got a little pooch?”
Holy shit are fucking kidding me, these words ring in my ear every single freaking day. I did potatoes diets, where I nearly fainted one morning at home before school, never ate lunch ever at school and the story goes on. My weigh in partner actually ended up being hospitalized for anorexia and had a lifelong battle with it.
I do not think this ritual would even be allowed in high schools now!
So I regret never loving my body for what it was at each point in my life. Thin strong, pregnant and full, post pregnant and frenetic about getting the body back, I never relaxed I still don’t, I always want to be what I was and I am never happy with what I am. I am so strong, I have huge discipline, proportioned, I am told nice boobs, capable, smart and can do anything I set my mind to, YET every morning noon and night I am tortured by what to eat, when to eat, weighing myself and never being happy, when will it end? I must make a Decision to be happy with who I am and what I look like today. One of my favorite inspirational authors and speakers Wayne Dyer said, not to say things like when I lose 10 pounds or 10 inches I will be happy, but RAThER
When I am happy I will lose ten pounds and ten inches, it is perspective. Appreciate where you are mind body and soul, enjoy today for what it is, good or bad, make eye contact, speak to people, let them in, possessions are less important than the people you love and still no regrets.
I will make an effort to stop this madness and enjoy the strength within me rather than the false social media, driven illusions I and many women men girls and boys are forced to digest, and succumb to everyday