Letter to Colleen Saidman Yee

LETTER TO COLLEN SAIDMAN

The 20 plus years I have been doing and teaching yoga, I have aspired to a place to heal and lead not just me but something way bigger than myself. Books, study, class, worship, magazines, courses, creating classes and schools, flows, ideas, DVD’s, books were all a façade. I thought it was my mission, but they seemed to be pulling me further from wholeness, happiness and my vision.

Once I am a millionaire I will be happy, once I am a famous sought after Yogi, I will be happy

Ironically was sending me in reverse, it is exactly the opposite once you are HAPPY the rest will follow, but how can I be happy?

The core of people I longed to hang out with, master mind with and do projects with were sending me false messages and to a place of hoarding (of feelings) and want. The major magazine I visualized being on the cover for, was not serving me, to the contrary it was making me want, and need and “having to have” in addition making me feel bad about all the things I was not asked to do or contribute to, Thee very anti nature of yoga.

I was sexually abused for over a decade by a family member as a child of 3- about 13 and I see now that I was programmed to take bribes and filled with shopping trips of abundance to mask what EVERYBODY knew was happening, and now the media I trusted was doing the same thing to me, seducing me with materialism.

Ironically

Because of the truth Colleen set out so honestly and authentically I finally feel the “ohhhhhh!” something about your words brought up a lot of learning for me. I wanted to do all these other high profile things I was made to think I HAD to do to be that “famous” “leading” teacher. My eyes were closed through envy eyelids to all the lives I HAVE touched and am, currently effecting NOW! Which my mindfulness felt drawn to watching and listening to Colleen, but after reading her book 2 times through, I so ever more notice I already have it all.

All social media does is make me feel inadequate instead of giving what I have, I do not want to knock another human being, especially a successful woman, but if Kim Kardasian is the most successful woman on social media, why would I want to be on it? We are worlds apart in everyway and I am happy with that, yet the world judges on “followers” like the world is now a huge hypnotized cult of sorts. I have 20+ years of a stellar resume that does not get the sponsorship these days, go figure…when the better plan is to do a sex tape???!!!

Colleen laid it on the line for us in her book and I see I am not the only imperfect yoga teacher, and that is awesome, we are dimensional. I live in a world of a multi strand braid NOT a single filament. The braid is way stronger too. I am tired of the perfect attendance, the perfect asana on the edge of the cliff, that is not me, but I thought I had to be perfect for value…Now I know and realize this will NEVER be a possible road map for me. I am as is. I am already the perfect me, I give what I have to share and feel maybe just maybe because of Colleen’s authentic sharing I am part of some yoga community.

Historically I have always felt like an outsider when I taught at Yoga conferences and conventions. She has shown me I at least belong to the community she is in. We are all learners. Being defined, as only a teacher is a dangerous road I am no longer willing to drive on. I hurt, I fail, I have suffered, I have been tortured, yet I am still whole and perfect.

Amazing. Thank you Colleen!

Yogi’s are not perfect damn it stop pretending expose your imperfections if even to yourself, it definitely took more than one take for that great shot and you fall too! And that is cool.

I started as an abused child, then became a dancer in the 70’s and 80’s and was plagued by having to be flawless, into a pseudo world of yoga today and even worse social media trap, every step of the way I felt the same, imagine…until now. I can have a wrinkle, not be able to do a handstand on the edge of a cliff, have PTSD from my childhood and still fit into a yoga community and be a great teacher, no matter what other bumps in the road happen.

Thank you again Colleen

Gwen